Stopped

Yet again I find my life has been put on hold. I’ve been back home for a while now, and feeling really unwell. Turns out I have a bunch of lumps in my breasts, 7 in total, some cysts, some tumors. Tumors are hopefully benign but not sure yet.. waiting to see my doctor next week to see if I need a biopsy or not. Obviously I am longing to be back in Canada but I know that if I do return I will continue to not have health insurance for at least a year (that’s assuming I get residency), so if something were to go wrong with this, (travel insurance won’t cover it) I’d have to leave, again.. do this all over again and it’s driving me crazy. Obviously this has taken its toll on us and our relationship. I can’t tell you just how much actually, but I’d rather leave that story for another day. Right now all I want is to get back there. I’m very scared about this whole lump issue of course, and that doesn’t help me feel any better. Also the fact that they recently found cancer in my uncle (that’s the 3rd person on my dad’s side of the family, after my grandfather and my father, to have it) and that is messing with my head a lot.

I’ve always felt like the whole Canada thing was too good to be true for me, that it was too much, that it couldn’t work out, I didn’t deserve it. I know it’s a dumb way to think but I guess I can’t help it. Things have been bad lately and I wonder if my feelings are coming true?

As scary as it is to be up there, I do want it very much. I’ve turned my life upside down to do this and now it’s all there… in stasis.. nothing really belongs anywhere… I don’t belong here or there anymore, I’m drifting. I’m tired of it, I want some sense of normalcy, of (happiness?). I’m so terrified my health may be the cause of this not happening. Of us not being together anymore. Of everything.

I’m feeling lonely. I haven’t been feeling well physically so I haven’t really been going out, even though I feel like it, I feel like having some fun. My friend Jessica, the one with all the foreign friends I love hanging out with, is MIA (I’m pretty sure she’s in Mexico because her boyfriend is from there) but anyway, I hope to hear back from her soon. I’d like to get together and have a drink.. or two. It’s been so long since I’ve had FUN, you know? It’s all been worrying, stress, sickness, sadness, worrying, stress, loneliness.. and I know it’s mostly my fault for friggin WORRYING so much about everything, I’ve never been good at handling stress, I admit it. It’s just a lot, immigration, culture shock ( for some reason people think that just because you speak the language well that must automatically mean you’re basically a native and must be familiar with the culture.. well, it is not so) , our relationship (the good and the bad), my health, etc.

I’ve zoned out and forgotten why I started to write this. I guess I just needed to get this off my chest. I miss having a life, you know? with a stable home, or job, or friends. Knowing where I’m going to be in 3 months. where I’m going to live and with whom. I’m paralyzed by fear. I guess I should try to have some fun while I still can.

 

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