End

So, I think I have cancer. I know this probably sounds deranged for somebody to just… think that. But I feel it.

I was in Canada about a month and a half ago, with Dave, feeling just fine… and one day I started to feel stabbing pains all over my body and I stopped eating. I felt nauseous, couldn’t stand the thought of eating. I freaked out… obviously because I didn’t have residency yet I couldn’t go to the doctor for free. So we went to walk in clinics and even the hospital…. $1000 (which we didn’t have) and some really rude doctors  later and I had gotten nowhere. they did blood tests, urine tests and ultrasounds and it all looked normal.I still had the pain.. and still wasn’t eating. I had dropped 12 lbs.

I’ve looked online at all other possible diagnoses…anything else that this pain could be..anything, but nothing else really fits. Considering my dad and grandfather died of cancer, it’s not like it’s shocking, you know. But everyone, my family, Dave etc keep denying it.. keep acting all weird when I say what I think I have. It’s like taboo… the c word. Don’t say it.

So I had to make one of the hardest decisions in my life and leave Dave, and Canada. I knew this meant I couldn’t get residency, and that I wouldn’t see Dave for a long time again if at all… but I had to. I went to mybrothers house in SPain thinking I could get care there. (I’m a spanish, as well as an argentinian citizen). But it didnt really work out, and there was a lot of paperwork to do and long waits before I could actually see a doctor or have any tests done.

So, 2 days ago I flew back to Argentina.. the last place on earth I want to be right now. It’s always been disgusting and pathetic here but now, having lived in perfect-canada for almost a year, it seems so much worse. the dirt, the insecurity, the way the air smells like shit constantly.. literally.. you cant smell fresh air. you smell smog constantly.
I don’t have insurance here either.. I signed up for it but you have to wait a long time to get any advanced tests done.. or for example if you have cancer, it doesnt cover chemo for 2 years after you sign up. Great. so I know it won’t help. Staying at my aunts right now. I will probably have to go to a public hospital… as disgusting and depressing as they are. Will find out soon..

As for me, everything is the same… stabbing pains, adbominal pain (I’m pretty sure its in my intestines), dizzy constantly..I look like shit, and now I think I’m losing weight… not good. Now I have this pain in down my leg as well. Dave is miserable, and I’m devastated. We just wanted to be together, and happy.. I don’t know why this had to happen. I’m terrified, heartbroken, crying constantly…. David deosnt know how to live alone, without me.. he doesn’t and I hate it. I want to protect him from all this but can’t… it’s happening.

We take life, and our health for granted so much. When I decided to go to Canada to be with Dave I knew it was crazy and spontaneous adn it was so not like me but I thought for once I should do something crazy. Take a risk… I was young and it was going to be alright.

Well look how that worked out..

Why? 😦

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2 Responses so far »

  1. 1

    MG said,

    I can’t say what afflicts you, but there are plenty of non-cancerous abdominal conditions that can cause abdominal pain and weight loss. I hope you find a diagnosis and solution soon!


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