Archive for May, 2010

Feels like home to me / Un post bilingue

Wow it’s hot! It was 29, felt like 33 C today. I thought Canada was supposed to be cold and all 😉 And it’s not even summer yet!

We had an okay long weekend even though we didn’t do much.  We’re waaaay over on our entertainment budget this month with all the camping gear and wonderland and all.  So we rode our bikes, went to the library and checked out a couple books – he gamed, I read, and such. We watched the Argentina – Canada game online! And I had 5 boarders to take care of at the clinic so did that too..saturday, sunday and monday.

Worked on immigration stuff all morning today. SO much to do. The forms are endless and some are so unclear and confusing – I hate it. I normally freak out and get very nervous doing immigration stuff, but today I told myself I would keep my cool and I think I did well.  I have to remind myself I can’t  possibly get it all done in one day. One step at a time. I just really don’t want to have to be stressing about this when my brother is here. I want to have it all done by then. So I have 3 months.

Had a good night tonight. I miss not having Lost on Tuesdays already 😦 We had dinner early, and D was really sleepy because he’d had almost no sleep the night before with the heat and all. Went to bed, gave him a massage and he passed out.  It was cute.

I think I’ll write in Spanish a bit today.

Ultimamente estoy sintiendo algo raro. El otro dia fuimos a la biblioteca publica, y buscando otra cosa encontre un libro de espiritus animales y demas. Me intereso mucho – es algo que hemos hablado con D, el tiene los suyos. Me pareci interesante.. no, interesante no es la palabra. Es algo que me llamo la atencion, me sedujo. Desde que vi el librito no pude dejar de pensar en eso.

Estuve leyendo un poco online. Es raro, definitivamente no es mi estilo sentir..esto.  Hoy temprano leia una pagina sobre este tema y se me llenaban los ojos de lagrimas! Rarisimo, no se por que. Pero siento que detras de esto de los guias animales hay algo muy grande, importante, algo que tengo que seguir, investigar, no se. Siento que hay algo dentro mio que quiere salir y no puede, y que esta puede ser una manera de encontrar un camino.  Uf, que filosofica me puse.. que me anda pasando? jeje.

Hablamos hoy de eso un poco, me dijo que cree que todas esas huellas de oso que encontre en la nieve en el invierno significan que el Oso pueda estar intentando decirme algo. El oso representa la fuerza interior, la introspeccion, y la intuicion. Es gracioso que haya experimentado eso en el invierno, que creo que fue la parte mas dificil (por lo menos hasta ahora) de mi camino, en la que necesitaba fuerza interior mas que nunca.  El frio, el no conocer a nadie, la incertidumbre. Y el hecho de que nadie mas las haya visto, y nadie me haya dado bola al mostrarselas. Pero al mostrarselas a Dave, no tuvo duda que fueran huellas de oso. Y juro por dios, lo googlee. Eran de oso.

Le dije a D, I don’t know what to make of it to be honest, pero es interesante pensarlo. Por otro lado no me suena que Oso pueda ser mi animal. Es demasiado fuerte, sabio, pies en la tierra. Bueno, en realidad si lo pienso, si tiene sentido. El espiritu guia animal no debe ser un animal al que nos parezcamos – todo lo contrario, debe estar ahi para ayudarnos y guiarnos, en cuyo caso tiene sentido que sea lo opuesto a nosotros, alguien que esta ahi para recordarnos nuestro camino, para no dejar que nos desviemos.. no lo se.

Pero creo que debo prestar mas atencion a eso. Siento que necesito poder relajarme, entregarme, let go, como quieras decirlo. Necesito que todo el ruido en mi cabeza se detenga. Tengo demasiado ruido, demasiada ansiedad, demasiado nervio.. a veces soy demasiado racional. Siento que estoy trabada. Quiero relajarme un poco, pero no puedo y siento que todo esto esta relacionado con eso tambien.

Suena como un post de una persona loca, no?

Bueh, me descargue!

Ah, cierto, felices 200 anios, Argentina.

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Brotherliness

My brother may be coming to visit us for a week in early September! I’m so excited! Come September I will have not seen him in 2 and a half years! I’m sad he can’t bring Miranda along but I understand it would just be too expensive. Plus we don’t really have the room. But we would work something out!

It was her 6th birthday today.. I got her a pressie from Mastermind and sent it in the mail.  Seems like just yesterday she was 8 months old and I was in Spain changing her diapers!

Re: toys. I hate sexist toys! I was looking online at what to get her, and toys r us had the longest list of “your first iron” or “your first kitchen” or whatever sets. I realize that little girls sometimes like this stuff, but it’s just such a BLAH message. “Yay, look at this iron! Learn to use it while you’re 5, because pretty soon you’re going to be stuck at home cooking and ironing for your husband!” Urghh. That’s why I like Mastermind much better – they have better, educational toys and such.

So I REALLY hope bro can come. And that they let him through customs and all that stuff. He looks more like a terrorist than  I do! Haha.. oh the joys of being Spanish. 😛 Would be nice to see some family. And for him to meet Dave, too!

"Fathers, be good to your daughters
Daughters will love like you do
Girls become lovers who turn into mothers
So mothers, be good to your daughters too

Boys, you can break
You'll find out how much they can take
Boys will be strong and boys soldier on
But boys would be gone without warmth from
A woman's good, good heart

On behalf of every man
Looking out for every girl
You are the god and the weight of her world

Fathers, be good to your daughters
Daughters will love like you do
Girls become lovers who turn into mothers
So mothers, be good to your daughters too"

Love that song. Thinking of family made me think of it. :)

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On being away from home

What’s it like, being away from home? People keep asking me that. Do you miss it? Do you miss your family? And your friends? And speaking your language? And knowing where everything is, and all that?

Well, sure, I miss some of those things. I don’t miss the place much at all. I do miss the people, of course. I do miss being able to speak Spanish a little. I was never a big fan of my native language, just as I was never a big fan of my home country, but I do miss hanging out with other Spanish people, or Latinos.. anything. There’s something about being away from home that makes you feel (proud?) of your roots. It’s kind of like the World Cup. Argentinians hate each other and their country all year long, but come the world cup, we’re up against other nations, (and, of course, it’s football – hard to find something Argies are more passionate about) and suddenly, we’re all family, we’re all together, and we all love each other and our country. Why can’t it be like that, always?

There aren’t that many Spanish people in Canada, especially not in our area. A lot of Arabs, Chinese.. but latinos? Nope! Not that I’m complaining – I enjoy diversity, always have. Since I arrived in Canada   I have met some really nice people from all over the world: Russia, Italy, Iran, China, America, India.. and of course Canada! I have always had a fascination with people from other countries or cultures. I’m a foreign national fetishist, I guess.. hah! Foreigners have always just seemed more interesting to me. Which is kind of silly if you think about it – really, we’re all the same, right?

Anyway so yeah, I miss Spanish. I miss my friends’ goofy natures. I miss having a job. I do volunteering work now which I love, but.. I miss financial independence. (I’m not going to lie and say I was swimming in cash back home. But the little money I had was my own and I could do with it what I pleased) The whole not having my own money thing has proved to be one of the biggest challenges for me here. I like to treat and spoil the people I love, and that, in a lot of cases, takes money. Again, I’m not complaining..  my man has been so amazing in wanting to support us until this whole thing is over and I can finally earn some money. We have a roof over our heads and food on our plates and I am more than grateful for that.

Something else that I REALLY miss is.. feeling at home. Knowing where something is and how to get there if I need to. That is another big challenge I have here because I dislike feeling trapped. And that is how I feel a lot of the time. I don’t know how to get to a lot (I’d say, most) places. I can’t drive – I do take the bus, but I’m not familiar with all the bus lines yet, where they go, where they stop, where do you buy the tickets, do you need to flag it down or not.. yep, all these silly little things that you just DON’T know. And they add up, quickly! Suddenly you find yourself completely overwhelmed by everything and all you want to do is get on the first plane out of here and go home, where everybody knows your name. (Cheers?)

I’ve learned that what they refer to as culture shock is very real. I felt it in Minnesota in my teens, and I felt (feel) it now here. Again, especially with the little things. Like, my first  4 or so months here, going grocery shopping was insane. Grocery stores here are 10 times the size they are in Argentina. They have 50 times the items. The variety, the millions of things I’d never seen or heard of before is unbelievable. And it would happen every time, I would go in to buy a few things to make dinner with, and and suddenly I’d begin to feel completely and utterly lost because oh my god, I don’t know what half these weird food items are, or what they’re used for, and how you cook them, and I should know these things but I don’t and oh my god how and when am I going to learn all of this, and… you get the picture.

Maybe I just overwhelm easily .. yeah, that sounds like me.  😛

I do have days like that where I think – what am I doing here? This isn’t home. I would like it to be, but is it ever going to? Am I ever going to feel confident here?

And the one last thing I’m going to bitch about tonight (I guess you could call it bitching at this point) is that I feel guilty. I feel guilty being here because I feel like I’ve left my mom behind. I don’t know if that makes sense to anyone else out there, but I just do. I miss both my mom and my sister terribly, but I know my sister is young and strong and can take care of herself. My mom on the other hand is 66, and I keep thinking if something happens and I’m not there how is that going to make her feel? How will I feel? One of her children already moved overseas years ago, and now me. And if she had been horrible about me coming up here, maybe that would make it easier.. easier to get angry, to care less. But she was so amazing about it. So supportive.  So I’m torn between wanting to be somewhere else, with someone I love,  running away from corruption and murder and rape, trying for a better life for myself, and wanting to take care of my family.. because to me, family comes first.

I wonder when it is that we stop feeling like our parents’ children and begin feeling like we need to take care of them instead. For some reason it makes me sad that I feel that way – I wish my mom could stay strong and beautiful forever. But it’s the circle of life, isn’t it?

I know this sounds really whiny, but having said all of that, I love being here. Canada is a diverse, safe, open-minded and astonishingly beautiful country and I am  lucky to be here. I guess I’m just feeling homesick tonight.

Over and out 🙂

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